a hopeful (?) reply
hello, it's new to reply to your blog letters in a blog letter of my own, but i think this topic warrants it.
of course having this framework has helped in such a big way for me too. i am, as you know, unmedicated, which is working OK for me just now but i am not opposed to trying again in the future. i think for me the two main pillars of struggle are: the tendency to compare and the resistance to accept myself. i don't want to be disabled! i don't want to accept that i may never have a full time job or go live in my own apartment like i've always dreamed of. and also, i feel like there's this false narrative that everyone on the spectrum will just automatically relate to and communicate better with someone else on the spectrum. dreaded comparison. i think the opposite has been true for me. maybe i was too high masking for too long or something but it's actually quite hard for me to understand and feel understood by other people on the spectrum (anyone, really). i am foolishly rigid. still trying to figure out what that means and where to go, but it felt important to bring up because the social aspect of autism is just really kicking my ass lately. i feel like an alien, in the least sexy and most outcast way possible.
my sisters do know, and i've talked about it in a very round-about way with my mom too. funnily enough it went almost identically to the conversation with your mom. i am very much a product of my family so my oddities are not uncommon or unexpected from them. in fact the older i grow and the more my brain the develops the more i'm like "wow i really am just mom's special interests plus dad's special interests, huh?" we've always been weirdos together. but again, that doesn't mean automatic acceptance from them when the scary A word comes out.
as far as coping i may have to return to this question later on because the last two days (two years) have been an extremely intense burn out for me. "i feel like a wailing toddler inside," as i told my therapist yesterday. i am not handling my shit very well. i am getting to work, but that's only because i work from my laptop on the couch. but specifically with the feeling it will never go away i try to shift that to, "at least i know now." i won't be struggling in a shroud of mystery and confusion. it's a double edged sword, but no matter how ugly the truth is i would rather have it and make my decisions with all the information brought to light.
i really like myself too. and the more i accept myself the more fun i have with this vivid internal world that has so many boons as well as limitations. i'm glad we have that and glad that we have each other. i want a place in the world, i want a life and a home of my own, and the hopelessness and helplessness in never knowing if i'll have the resources for that chips away at my morale constantly.
i don't really have a nice tidy ending, but if it's any help i am taking care of myself today. and i hope you are too.